Can Couples Counseling Help You and Your Partner Decide if You're Compatible?

Why Compatibility Doesn’t Matter as Much as You Think

People reach out to me for couples therapy for a variety of reasons. A common one I get is couples wondering if they are compatible. Couples are often surprised to hear me say that compatibility doesn’t mean a whole lot.

What Does Compatibility Even Mean?

Oxford Dictionary defines compatible as: (of two things) able to exist or occur together without conflict. When people refer to the idea that two people are compatible, they usually mean that they have a lot in common, get along well, and there is little conflict. Couples will come to therapy saying how they don’t have many shared interests anymore and they fight a lot. They worry they no longer have any common ground, and therefore, the relationship has no solid foundation.

Brenda and Gabe:

Let’s imagine Brenda and Gabe. Brenda is as outdoors as they come. She loves a long hike in the woods. She’s always up to kayak and paddle board. She’s talks to Gabe about wanting to travel to check out new mountains and surf different waves. Check her out below:

Brenda is killing it outdoors!

Now let’s meet Gabe. Gabe is a sucker for a nice cozy cardigan. He prefers them in wool, but he’ll tolerate synthetic fibers if he must. He loves all things tea, and you can often find him on a Saturday afternoon reading the latest WWII memoir while sipping tea in said cardigan. He loves sharing what he reads with Brenda and always offers her a cup of tea. Check him out below:

Gabe, seen here, living his best life!

Gabe and Brenda come in for their first couples therapy session, worried that they aren’t compatible. Not only do they not share any of the same hobbies, but their hobbies are kind of polar opposites of each other. Can they make this work?

Yes, because compatibility doesn’t matter that much!

So, what does?

It is healthy for couples to have their own interests and hobbies. People are more than who they are as a partner and it’s a positive thing for each partner to spend time alone and with friends to connect with these other parts of themselves. It actually makes them better partners to each other. What matters more is mutual respect.

And Gabe and Brenda definitely respect each other. You can tell by the way Gabe looks forward to Brenda going on her daily hike because it means he can catch up on his reading. It’s in the way Brenda can’t wait to tell Gabe about the cool trail she found and her equal excitement in hearing about what Gabe is reading. Sure, Gabe doesn’t care about hiking, but he cares about the new trail because it psyched up Brenda and he cares about Brenda. Same with Brenda- she’d never pick up a WWII memoir but when she sees Gabe’s eyes light up after reading a certain passage, you bet she wants to hear what Gabe read because she cares about Gabe!

If they didn’t have mutual respect for each other than you’d see Brenda taking off for her hike and Gabe saying, “You always put hiking before me.” He doesn’t do that though, because he understands that Brenda needs to hike because it’s part of who she is, and he respects that. Likewise, when Gabe breaks out the mug and hot water, Brenda doesn’t launch into, “You never want to go out and do anything.” She could, but then she wouldn’t be respecting who Gabe is and how he needs to connect with the things that make him feel like him.

So how do they connect if it’s not through their hobbies?

Plenty of ways. They love talking about their hobbies with each other so both feel connected to the other parts of each other. They also love watching movies together and going out to eat. They like taking a short walk with their basset hounds and have even been known to have a coffee date. You know, normal things that everyone likes to do. The things they do together aren’t big things, but true connection is there and that’s what makes the relationship fulfilling.

Mutual Respect and True Connection

Think about this- let’s say Gabe and Brenda shared all the same hobbies (super compatible) but the mutual respect and connection were gone. Sure, they can go hiking all around the world together, but all that hiking time together wouldn’t be fulfilling without the mutual respect and connection.

I’ve worked with a lot of couples who have varied with how much they had in common and what made the relationship work was always the mutual respect and true connection, not the compatibility. Couples therapy can help you and your partner develop or reconnect to true connection.