Do You Listen to Hear or Listen to Respond?

Couples Therapy can help you communicate with your partner, but do you listen?

Woman talking and man listening in order to hear.

I know- I do it too. I totally listen to respond- even when I try to listen to hear, it’s like I just slip right back into it. Sound familiar? You’re not the only one- a lot of the couples that I work with fall into this trap.

Snapshot of a common couples therapy session:

Scott: “I just didn’t like how you spoke to me yesterday. It felt like an attack.”

Lila: “An attack? How about how many times you yell at me?”

Ok studious listeners, did Lila listen to hear or listen to respond?

Lila was not listening to hear. She was listening to respond.

Answer: Listened to respond.

Lila heard what Scott was saying and instead of stopping to listen, she became defensive and responded with a snarky comment bringing up his own shortcomings. Why do we do this? If we were able to journey into Lila’s head, we might hear the following inner dialogue as she heard Scott speaking:

“You are a lousy partner. You are always doing it wrong.”

If that’s what was going on in her mind, then of course she listened to respond instead of to hear. She was on the defense and feeling attacked. The reason we struggle to hear is usually related to our own feelings.

Meaning: It says more about you then it does about them.

Definitely not listening to hear.

I know, I didn’t want to hear that either.

Think about it though, if you’re anxious while you’re talking to someone, it’s going to be very difficult to focus on what is being said because your mind is in the future. If you’re angry then it’s also hard to hear what’s being said because you’re wanting to defend yourself.

How Do You Break This Pattern?

You need to learn how to become a better listener. How do you even listen? First step is to take a breath- you can only do this if you’re calm and present. If you are feeling angry, anxious or distracted it’s better to listen later or just not say anything to prevent the above Lila situation from happening.

Ok- so you’re calm, present and ready to listen! Listening means you hear what is being said and in the way the person means it to be heard. We interpret things lots of different ways and this might not be the same way the person talking might mean it.

Going back to our example:

Scott: “I just didn’t like how you spoke to me yesterday. It felt like an attack.”

How did Scott mean this? He could have meant it in an accusatory way, or he could have meant it in a concerned way. Lila definitely took it in an accusatory way, but let’s pretend she didn’t…

Lila: “It felt like an attack? Why did it feel like an attack.”

Here Lila is asking for clarification to learn Scott’s meaning. She doesn’t understand why he perceived it as an attack so before jumping to conclusions, she’s going to ask so she can hear. She is also pausing to learn how Scott intended the message to be relayed.

Scott: “You did that thing where you talk really fast and walk away from me.”

Lila: “Oh, I did say it fast but that was only because I was running out the door- not because I was attacking you. I know that tone though- I do use it when I’m angry with you. I can see why you felt attacked.”

Lila avoided her angry reaction by stopping to listen to Scott. She was able to really hear him. If we were in her mind again, I bet we’d hear something like: “Hmm why would he feel attacked? I don’t remember being angry at him when I said that. He wouldn’t just make this up, let me ask him why he felt like that.”

So remember, if you want to listen to hear make sure you are calm, present and receiving the message as it was intended.

Ever wonder why it’s so hard to stay calm? Check out my blog about why.