Should I stay with My Partner?

Can Couples Therapy Help You Know if you should stay or if you should go?

This is, hands down, the hardest question I get asked. It’s hard for so many reasons. It’s hard because I can’t give you that answer. It’s hard because of history, because you have kids, because you’re hurt, because you don’t want to hurt, because it could get better, because it could never get better, because you just can’t think straight.

Relationships are hard. Couples therapy is hard. It can feel impossibly hard to answer this question, so I’ve created a guide using the word HARD.

Hear

Assess

Responsibility

Direct

Hear:

This goes back to how to listen. Can you really hear what your partner is saying? If you were to wade through all the anger, yelling, and tension- what is your partner actually saying? The anger, yelling and tension are usually our defense mechanisms, not who we truly are, and not the message we truly mean.

So, what do you truly hear? Is your partner trying to understand you and trying to express themselves? Are they afraid to be vulnerable, yet trying anyway? Are they approaching things from an “us” standpoint? Do they sound committed to you and making changes? Do they respect you? Are they taking responsibility for their own actions? Do they value what you say, even if they don’t agree with it?

This type of hearing requires receiving what your partner says in the way they mean it. This can be a tricky one because our brains are wired to receive things based on our mood and past experiences. This means we don’t always receive things in the manner it was meant to be delivered. When you’re in a calm place, can you think about what was said and clarify with your partner how they actually meant it. Hearing is often about picking up on the meaning and intent of your partner, rather than the what or your perception.

Hearing your partner properly can help you decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not. It can give you valuable information on the character of your partner, on how your partner responds to conflict, and can reveal the value your partner places on you and your relationship.

Assess:

When trying to decide if it’s worth staying in a relationship, assessment can play a helpful role. Sometimes a pros and cons list can help with assessing if you want to stay or leave, however I’ve found this strategy only really helps people who already know what they want but are afraid to admit it. So, if you try this strategy and get wrapped up in it for a bit of time, you know you don’t really know what you want and you need a different strategy.

Now that you know you’re unsure, I recommend the following approach: First, reconnect yourself with your values. This can help ground you and remind you of what’s important to you. Since it’s hard to just call up values, let’s use the amazing Brene Brown, who if you’ve never heard of-you should immediately. Here is her list of values https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/

Go through these values and list the ones that resonate the most with you. You might be surprised by some values you had forgotten about or values you used to have but have evolved into different values. Brene Brown recommends going through this list until you’ve identified the top two that are most important to you.

Once you’ve named your two values, spend some time thinking about why these values matter so much to you. Think about how you want to uphold these values in your actions and everyday decisions. Also spend some thinking about times when you might have gone against these values and how it felt or what led you to disregard them.

Now think about your relationship- are these values present in your relationship? If they aren’t, can they be? Does your partner have similar values? If they don’t, do they respect yours and your need to live by them? Just because your partner doesn’t share the same values does not mean it’s a deal breaker. Partners can have different values from each other if both respect the other’s values and are committed to helping each other live by these values.

Responsibility

This is one of the more difficult ones. Have you ever noticed that you tend to get involved with people who have the same problems? Do you notice similar patterns within all your relationships? This isn’t just you or in your head- this is a thing. We tend to gravitate towards people that unconsciously remind us of the good and bad parts of our main caregivers. There’s a theory that we are drawn to these relationships because they highlight our core issues, and these relationships allow the best chance of being resolved within these familiar patterns.

If the above paragraph reminds you of you- then the issues within your relationship might be bigger than just your current relationship problems. It could be more about you and some old childhood wounds that you need to heal. If that’s the case, the current relationship might be just the place for you to really heal. Plus, if you breakup, you might find that the next relationship has many of the same issues- so better to address it in this relationship.

Of course, this is just one theory, and the best decision might be for you to leave. Compare your answer to this question of responsibility to hear, assess and direct to get a better sense of what’s best.

Direct

Direct communication. I get it- you might not be totally clear on what you feel and want. You might not want to hurt your partner by sharing some of the doubts and frustrations you have. That’s understandable- but you still must communicate what you’re feeling and thinking. The relationship will be better for it. It’s better to have the truth out than to have things not said.

If you’re finding it hard to be direct with your partner, ask yourself why. When I can sense this in a couples sessions, I will often have the next session include individual time with each partner to allow them each to be direct without their partner there. More times than not, both partners are feeling the same thing and are relieved to find this out. Once each partner is being direct, you can really figure out if you want to stay or leave.

Just a note: Go easy on yourself. This is incredibly hard. Put your hand on your heart- that’s love. You deserve love and so does your partner.