Perception vs Truth in Your Relationship

Does it Really Matter in Couples Therapy?

Ok, you and your partner are talking about a recent fight and your partner’s perception of the fight is- well, to be polite- a little off.

Sure, you raised your voice and got a bit heated, but you certainly wouldn’t call it yelling and you most definitely weren’t out of control. How could he see it like that?

You were totally like this:

Most definitely not like this:

Never mind his lack of awareness! You saw him totally shut down the second you didn’t agree with him. He got defensive and his wall went up again. How can he not see this?

Does this sound familiar? How can two people who are having the same experience, see it so differently? Equally important, does it matter?

Enter the confusion of perception vs truth and if it matters:

We all understand that every person has a unique perception that is based on individual experiences. Generally, we agree with the statement that everyone is entitled to their own perception, except until we don’t.

Did you factually yell? Sure, we could define yelling and then play the tape back to see if your voice did get loud enough to constitute a yell- but what if your partner is more sensitive to sound? Then his interpretation of loud isn’t using the same rubric as yours. You can see how this can get messy pretty quickly.

This issue is one of the biggest problems I see in couples therapy. We can go round and round in this argument of: you yelled vs you didn’t yell. Does this matter and if it does, how do you get past this?

The answer: both perceptions are valid and need to be understood.

At the core of this issue is the couple’s disconnection. Underneath the arguing, are two people who are feeling unsupported and misunderstood. A deeper understanding and conversation is needed.

For example, why does your partner shut down whenever your voice gets a little louder? It would be helpful for you both to understand where this is coming from. This understanding will allow you both to naturally want to meet each other halfway.

You can be more mindful of the volume of your voice because you understand your partner’s sensitivity to it and your partner can tolerate some increase in volume because he knows this is not you yelling. Do you see the difference?

Likewise, why do you react by speaking loudly and storming off? Why is it hard to stay calm? Discussing this with your partner will also help you both understand each other and therefore reconnect. This type of inquiry and discussion addresses the main issue- you both felt unsupported and misunderstood.