Why Does Everything Turn into an Argument?

Why can't you and your partner talk calmly about things?

Ever wonder why talking with your partner about certain things often turns into an argument? It doesn’t seem to matter how gently you bring it up or how understanding you set out to be- somehow, someway, the conversation inevitably takes a turn and you both find yourself getting heated and then saying very unhelpful things.

Why does this keep happening?

To understand why this is happening, we need to look at the brain and what happens when we get upset.

First, some basic brain knowledge- the amygdala is a region in the brain that sits deep in your medial temporal lobe, which is close to your skull base.

The amygdala oversees our fight, flight or freeze response. It constantly scans our environment for danger and lets us know if we are safe or not.

Second bit of brain knowledge- the prefrontal cortex is the area in the front part of your brain that manages reasoning, problem solving, comprehension, impulse-control, creativity, and perseverance.

When your amygdala senses a threat it sends a signal to the brain that you are in danger and your brain responds by pumping stress hormones into your body, which allows your body to gear up for fight, flight, or freeze.

If the sense of danger from your amygdala is mild or moderate, then your prefrontal cortex can interpret this signal and decide how to best respond, rather than react, to the danger. If the sense of danger is more severe than the amygdala will just react and trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response before being processed by the prefrontal cortex. This might be the difference between you taking a breath and deciding not to have the final word in the argument (prefrontal cortex interception) to you being unable to stop yourself from verbally bulldozing your partner (amygdala overrides).

In today’s day and age most of our danger signals comes from emotional triggers such as anger, rejection, fear, and stress. Your brain literally cannot tell the difference between a threat signal that there is a lion outside your door and the threat from an argument with your spouse.

So, there you and your spouse are again- just trying to talk about money- and both of your amygdales send your brains the message that DANGER IS UPON YOU! Given that this argument has happened multiple times, has not gone well, and is with the person you care about the most- the level of threat is high!

This means both your pre-frontal cortexes cannot stop the fight, flight, or freeze response from being initiated and hence the argument is inevitable….

Or is it?

How Can We Stop the Arguing?

There’s another way. Remember how if the threat is mild or moderate than your pre-frontal cortex can stop the fight, flight, or freeze response and instead decide how to best respond? That means, if we can keep ourselves calm during the conversation, we might be able to stop the fight, flight, or freeze response and instead use our pre-frontal cortex to respond in an effective way.

Remember our prefrontal cortex oversees reasoning, problem solving, comprehension, impulse-control, creativity, and perseverance. This means if both you and your partner stay calm then you both will be able to address the issue-but only if you stay calm.

That means it’s not a question of learning skills to communicate better but rather about learning how to stay calm during the conversations with our partner.

Introducing the Anger Meter:

If you imagine your anger meter as 0-10 where 0 is, you as mellow as yellow and 10 is you throwing chairs and elbows. This means your anger builds. Most people are not able to remain calm once they have reached 8, 9 or 10- that’s the severe warning from the amygdala that overrides the prefrontal cortex. Likewise, if a person is at a 2 or 3 and their amygdala sends a threat, then most people can remain calm and decide how to behave effectively- which is the prefrontal cortex intercepting the threat signal because it’s mild or moderate.

So, there you and your partner are again -trying to discuss money- you notice you’re at a 4 on the anger meter. You’re getting a bit hot; your hands are clenching and you’re feeling a bit defensive. You are headed to fight mode. If you take a deep breath, you might be able to calm yourself to a 3 so you can continue dealing with the conversation in a productive way.

I have noticed with my couples that once people are at a 6 it’s time to take a break from what they are talking about. It can be so helpful to use this language with your partner. “I’m at a 6 so I need to talk a breather.”

Get to know your numbers. This will help you better navigate difficult conversations with your partner because you’ll know when you need a break and when you can remain calm. Once you know your numbers, figure out what helps you calm down to a 1 or 2. If deep breathing helps when you’re at a 4 it might not help when you’re at a 6. When you’re at a 6, you might need to take a walk to calm down.

Once you and your partner have gotten better at staying calm, even when triggered and angry, you will notice a huge shift from how the two of you talk. The conversation will be more productive, caring and helpful.