Why Does My Partner Not Seem to Care?

Common Pattern in Couples Therapy:

You and your partner are talking about an important issue that you both can’t seem to resolve. The conversation starts off calm enough, but then the conversation turns, and it always tends to turn at this point, and you become defensive, angry, and loud. You desperately need your partner to understand you, yet it feels like he couldn’t be further away from you. What has happened?

I see this dynamic all the time in couples therapy. It’s a common role partners fall into: one pursues, and one withdraws.

The Pursuer/Withdraw Pattern:

The pursuer is the one that needs to talk it through. They need to know their partner understands them- they need to be heard. They also will not stop pursuing until they get their needs met.

The withdrawer is the one that doesn’t want to talk about it. They get quiet and withdrawn. They have had this conversation over and over and it never goes well. They want to avoid the damage.

It can be hard for the pursuer to understand the withdrawer and vice versa.

The pursuer tends to look at the withdrawer as if they don’t care. “He doesn’t say anything.” “He’s just quiet.” “I have no idea what he’s thinking.”

The withdrawer tends to look at the pursuer as the instigator. “Why does she always bring this up?” “Why can’t she just be happy?” “It’s almost like she wants to fight.”

What's Really Going on?

From the outside it can often look like the pursuer nags and the withdrawer just doesn’t care- but let’s take a closer look.

The pursuer is trying to get their needs met. They need their partner to listen, understand and support them. This is healthy. The withdrawer also wants to get their needs met. They want the relationship to be positive and supportive and when the pursuer begins to get loud, they shut down to protect the relationship. Why doesn’t the pursuer just stop pursuing? Why doesn’t the withdrawer just listen? Again, we need to look closer.

When the pursuer can’t get their needs met by the withdrawer, the pursuer panics. This is the person that they love the most. The person whose attachment provides them security and love. Not receiving this is a threat to the person’s nervous system.

When the withdrawer hears the pursuer’s request to listen and understand they panic. They aren’t confident in their abilities to provide this. The withdrawer just wants to keep the peace and not escalate anything, so they retreat. They know that yelling won’t help and they don’t know how to help the pursuer calm down. In essence, they freeze because this is a threat to their nervous system.

Seems like both care quite a lot.

Seems like both are responding to the same need – the desire to connect and support. They are also responding to the same threat- they are not enough. One person’s response to this threat is to pursue and the other person’s response is to withdraw. There are other patterns couples get stuck in, but this tends to be one of most common ways.

So how do you break the pursue/withdraw pattern?

First, both people need to be aware of this pattern. Once this awareness is achieved the couple can begin working on disrupting the old pattern and creating a new, more helpful pattern.

Second, the pursuer needs to understand why they feel such panic in the first place. Why do they so easily slip into a sense of rejection and of not being good enough? Why isn’t the sense of security and support already there? Have they felt like this before in other relationships? The answer to these questions will help the pursuer better understand themselves and their sense of self. This will help the pursuer to connect with their partner in a healthier way so that when they bring certain things up to their partner, they will already feel supported and won’t panic.

The withdrawer also needs to understand why the smallest hint of conflict causes them to panic. Why are they so invested in keeping the peace and making sure their partner is happy? Is this like other relationships throughout their lives? What about them and what makes them happy? The answers to these questions will help the withdrawer better understand themselves and what they need in a relationship. This will help them feel more comfortable with difficult conversations and less fearful of conflict.

Third, both partners need to share this with each in order to better understand and support each other. Many times, the underlying panic that creates this pattern is related to past experiences either in childhood or with other partners, not just because of current relationship issues. All of this requires patience, exploration, and curiosity. It will help you both be more self-aware individuals that can have hard conversations.